


Until We Find the Light

by angelichl



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angel Louis Tomlinson, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boys Kissing, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Guardian Angels, M/M, No Smut, Recovery, Sad Harry Styles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-11
Updated: 2018-02-11
Packaged: 2019-03-07 09:12:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13431567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelichl/pseuds/angelichl
Summary: He’s so exhausted that all he wants to do is crawl between the spaces of the seconds on the clock and fall asleep.But there’s a boy with angel wings standing before him, hand reached out to gently brush the stray curls from Harry’s face. Subconsciously he sinks into the warm, unearthly touch.The morning begins with begging. And the worst and most dreaded of all?“Eat breakfast, Harry. Will you please eat?”In which Harry has an eating disorder and Louis is the angel sent to protect him.





	Until We Find the Light

**Author's Note:**

> This fic includes slightly descriptive references to eating disorders. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to message me.

 

 

 

_ “I only feel beautiful when I’m hungry.” _

 

 

 

 

THE DAY BEGINS with begging.

 

“Harry, please wake up…” “Harry, please get out of bed…” “Harry, please get dressed…”

 

Each command spoken in a quiet but pointed manner, through the heavy frown on his guardian angel’s face. Pleadingpleadingpleading. Even simple tasks like these are so overbearingly tedious that Harry struggles to complete them.

 

It’s seven AM on a wintry Thursday morning. There’s a twenty-three year-old boy standing at the kitchen countertop of his cramped apartment. There’s with a steaming mug of tea in his hands. It’s too hot to drink without scalding his tongue. He’s so exhausted that all he wants to do is crawl between the spaces of the seconds on the clock and fall asleep.

 

But there’s a boy with angel wings standing before him, hand reached out to gently brush the stray curls from Harry’s face. Subconsciously he sinks into the warm, unearthly touch, full of all the affection in the universe, all for Harry and only Harry.

 

The morning begins with begging. And the worst and most dreaded of all?

 

“Eat breakfast, Harry. _Will you please eat?_ ”

 

 

 

 

…

 

 

 

 

THE DAY HE MET his guardian angel, _Louis_ , he was bent over the toilet with his fingers jammed down his throat. Puking up spit and stomach bile.

 

When he felt a hand on his back he thought he had finally teetered over the line that separated sanity from insanity, landing on the wrong side of the divide. Still, he stroked his gag reflex with the pad of his middle finger, stomach clenching around emptiness as his body desperately tried to force _something_ up.

 

Wiping his mouth on the back of his hand, he turned around, and was more than shocked to see the slight figure of a boy with glowing golden skin.

 

“Who are you?” Were the first words out of Harry’s mouth, deep voice raspy due to exhaustion, throat burning from the acidity of his own stomach bile.

 

The strange apparition hadn’t responded, electing instead to ignore his question. Whispering, “I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry I couldn’t keep you safe.”

 

He engulfed Harry in a hug, holding him so tightly Harry finally stopped trembling. Harry only sunk into his hold, eyes wet from tears, throat aching, spit slicking his face. Yet he felt comfortable, for once like he belonged. Through the confusion, fear, and self-disgust, he felt _protected_. And here this stranger was apologizing for not keeping him safe. Harry didn’t understand.

 

So he opened his eyes. All he saw in the reflection from the mirror was the room engulfed in golden light, and dark charcoal wings arching from the stranger’s back.

 

 

 

 

…

 

 

 

 

“Harry…”

 

“I’m _eating_ ,” Harry bites back, voice irritated and cold.

 

Louis sets his hands on his hips, expression accusing, as his wings unfold from his back in his anger. Harry has noticed the angel’s wings always appear when he’s overwhelmed with emotions.

 

“You’re eating celery.”

 

“Fuck off.”

 

 

 

 

…

 

 

 

 

A WEEK LATER Harry goes to a café for a nice place to study. Louis decides to go with him, walking by Harry’s side down the busy street. They’re holding hands, cold skin on warmer skin, as the biting wind cuts straight to Harry’s bones. New York is freezing in the winter, and since Harry is always cold, he needs all the warmth he can get.

 

In the café they cuddle up in a booth by the fireplace. After a while Louis gets bored of watching Harry study so he heads to the counter while Harry rewrites his notes to try to memorize them. When he comes back he has two cups of tea and a pastry in a brown paper bag.

 

It smells delicious, but it’s been nearly eight months of Harry abstaining from eating, so he’s pretty good now at ignoring the delicious scent of food and instead turning rewiring his brain to turn the aroma into something revolting. He doesn’t even look up when Louis sets the tea and pastry in front of him, sliding onto the bench and resting his head on Harry’s shoulder.

 

“What’s in the tea?” He asks offhandedly, instinctively sinking into Louis’ warmth and glow.

 

“Just milk,” His guardian angel murmurs, nuzzling into Harry’s bicep.

 

“Promise?”

 

His voice is muffled in the fabric of Harry’s jumper, sounding exhausted. “I’m an angel, I can only be honest.”

 

Eating disorders transform every meal into a balancing act. It’s just as difficult for Louis as it is for Harry. There’s never the perfect meal, never a correct answer. Harry sips on his tea and hopes Louis will fall asleep before he forces him to eat.

 

It’s just Harry’s luck that he doesn’t doze off and forget about the food.

 

“Let’s split it, yeah?” Louis asks casually, reaching into the bag and pulling out the raspberry tart. He breaks it into two uneven pieces and hands the smaller one to Harry who reluctantly takes it with shaking hands. The dough is warm beneath his fingers.

 

As an angel, Louis doesn’t really need to eat. He does anyways, and Harry is so completely envious of him for eating as much as he does and never gaining weight no matter what. Louis has the perfect body, slim but strong and curvy in all the right places.

 

Harry, on the other hand, is so repulsed by the sight of his own body, he avoids mirrors and showers in the dark. At night he runs his hands over the pale skin of his stomach, tracing his hip bones and desperately wishing they were more prominent. Feeling the curve of his stomach, the ugly pudge where there should only be smooth and flat.

 

Harry sets his piece of pastry down on the corner of his journal and keeps working. Louis eats his slowly, pretending to ignore the fact that Harry still isn’t eating.

 

“Darling…” He sighs eventually, leaning his head back on Harry’s shoulder. “Please eat, love. Please.”

 

His stomach curls painfully at the mere thought of eating, a mixture of nausea and deep-set hunger. Hunger not just like skipping-lunch hunger—hunger like actual starvation that he can feel all the way in his bones. Hunger like the way he can only ever always think about food. Hunger like this deep exhaustion that never really goes away. Hunger like purposefully rejecting a basic need. Turning himself holy.

 

“Please,” Louis whispers, nothing short of begging. “Please, Harry. Please. Let me keep you safe.”

 

Harry shakes his head, no. The chaos of the café bustles around them, but together, Harry and his guardian angel are in their own little bubble. Sharing body heat and watching the snow fall outside.

 

“If you eat the goddamn pastry, I’ll take you somewhere.”

 

See, that’s the thing about Louis: he may be an actual angel but even that doesn’t stop him from using God’s name in vain.

 

“Are you bribing me?”

 

“Yes. But don’t you want to see my favorite place on earth?”

 

Harry halfheartedly tears the corner off his pastry and pops it in his mouth, avoiding Louis’ eyes and chewing very slowly.

 

Louis sighs, relieved. “I love you.”

 

“Don’t be weird,” Harry warns after he swallows. His throat immediately begins itching. There’s the distinct urge to run to the bathroom and shove his fingers down his throat, stroke at his gag reflex until he’s puking out spit tinged with blood. Instead he sits, fingers trembling, and allows himself to feel soothed by the calming presence of his guardian angel beside him.

 

“I do. I love you. More than anything.”

 

“Only because it’s your job.”

 

Louis ignores him. “I was made for you,” He whispers into the air, breathy. “I’m yours.”

 

The truth is, Harry’s life is so void of human love, God sent him an angel to keep him safe and love him in the exact way no one else does. The truth is, Harry’s life is so void of human love, he can’t even love himself.

 

“Thank you,” Harry whispers right back, studying long forgotten. _Thank you for loving me._

 

He manages to chew and swallow the rest of his small piece of pastry, smiling weakly when Louis kisses him on the cheek in praise, saying, “I’m so proud of you, lovely.”

 

They gather Harry’s things in his bag and exit the café. Louis pulls Harry into a tight, comforting hug, and the next time Harry opens his eyes they’re standing in a meadow in the middle of a forest.

 

Louis tugs him gently towards the dark green grass, and they lie down together beside the wildflowers, surrounded by yellow, purple, and white. Harry curls up at his guardian angel’s side, eyes on the sunset colors of the sky. They hold each other close and don’t let go.

 

“You’re allowed to exist,” Louis whispers, grasping Harry’s hand and pulling it up to his mouth to kiss the back of it. “You’re allowed to take up space.”

 

Harry shakes his head, a silent _no_.

 

“You’re not an inconvenience,” Louis tells him, more adamant this time. “You’re worthy of time and attention.”

 

The broken decrescendo of _No_.

 

“You’re lovely. You’re here. You’re _alive_.”

 

_I don’t want to be. I don’t want to be._

 

“You’re destroying yourself for nothing.”

 

He pulls his hand away, out of the angel’s grasp, the touch suddenly burning.

 

“Baby, _please_. Please-“

 

Harry kisses him just to shut him up.

 

 

 

 

…

 

 

 

 

WEEKS DRIFT BY like the current of a languid river in the summer, pulling past the reeds and tumbling rocks with steady force.

 

Louis continues bribing Harry with the promise of taking him away for a while, to somewhere beautiful he can momentarily forget about the pain of who he is. Harry continues eating the bare minimum when Louis suborns him with angelic promises.

 

It gets better. Slowly. Recovery becomes a word in his vocabulary. As spring comes, the days get warmer and longer. They spend as much time outside as they can, soaking up the sun. As an angel Louis is always breathtaking, but in the sun he’s otherworldly.

 

The more Louis loves him, and cares for him, the more Harry eats. It’s a strange balance, and an even stranger relationship. The kissing doesn’t stop. Louis coaxes Harry into going to therapy. The first therapist is so callous and insensate, Harry sobs the entire drive home. The next one he goes to is much more understanding. By the fifth session he feels this indescribable weight lifted off his shoulders, like liberation.

 

Harry visits his mum for the first time in almost a year, and she cries when she sees how thin he is.

 

“Honey, what happened?”

 

“Nothing. It’s okay,” He appeases, gently tugging himself from her grasp and pulling Louis inside the house too.

 

“Who’s this?” Anne asks, still crying, overwhelmed at the sight of her son.

 

“My boyfriend Louis,” Harry answers easily. They had talked about it in the car, unsure of what they really are, but definitely not willing to tell Harry’s mum that Louis is his guardian angel. Now, when Harry looks back at Louis, he sees his cheeks are tinged pink and he’s avoiding Harry’s eyes. Harry hadn’t even known angels could blush.

 

“You have a lot to tell me,” Anne scolds, shooing them inside.

 

Dinner is interesting, with his mum’s constant questions and then the simple fact that Harry is supposed to eat. But Louis surreptitiously holds his hand beneath the table and everything may not be okay just yet, but it’s getting there.

 

In June, they’re driving through Pennsylvania on a random Saturday because they both randomly felt like going for a road trip. They avoid the highways, taking the back roads instead, laughing as Louis speeds down the hilly country roads, the radio crackling with static and the occasional few seconds of an indeterminable country song.

 

One moment Harry is looking at Louis’ beauty as he laughs, eyes crinkling, and then next his eyes flit to the side of the road where he sees a sign advertising a strawberry patch. He asks Louis to stop.

 

“Really?” He asks, sobering up, eyes bright.

 

Harry nods, certain. So they park in the grass and walk hand in hand to the farmer’s market, paying for a basket. They wander through the strawberry fields, picking the red ones and enjoying the summer sun on their skin.

 

When Harry pops a strawberry in his mouth, hardly thinking about it, he looks over and sees Louis with practical hearts in his eyes, his grey wings suddenly visible.

 

Louis surges forward, pressing their bodies close together and kissing Harry with enthusiasm. The gesture has mountains of love and affection poured into it. It momentarily ceases the ever-constant trembling in Harry’s hands.

 

“I’m so proud of you. I love you.” He attacks him in another deep kiss.

 

“Thank you for keeping me safe,” Harry answers easily, gasping, when they pull away enough to breathe.

 

“Always.”

 

 

 

 

…

 

 

 

 

HARRY LEARNS TO eat again. It isn’t easy. His hands still tremble and his throat still itches with the need to purge. Many days he doesn’t feel like eating at all.

 

But it gets better. Slowly. Through therapy, and with the support of the one person who loves him.

 

He still doesn’t know what he and Louis are, or what their relationship is defined as, but he figures they have time to figure it out. He doesn’t know if there are any rules against guardian angels having romantic relationships with the humans they watch over, but Louis seems fine with it so Harry decides to just go with it. Whatever happens, happens.

 

Therapy is… difficult. Louis drives him every time and waits in the parking lot for him. Exactly an hour later, when Harry comes back, he clambers into the car, either completely silent or crying hysterically. Louis holds his hand either way, kissing the tears off his cheeks if it’s a crying day. Otherwise he remains silent and drives them around, out of the city, until Harry is ready to speak.

 

Harry has been afraid of taking up space for so long, it isn’t easy to rewire his brain into thinking it’s okay for him to eat. There’s much work to be done, but none of it need be done alone. He has Louis now.

 

Well, truly, he’s always had Louis. Louis explains this as they’re lying in bed one night, Harry the little spoon, Louis’ arms wrapped around his middle and holding him close, fingers slipped up under his shirt and rubbing at the soft skin with reverence. In a million ways it’s comforting to know someone has always been watching out for him.

 

“You’ve always had me. I was in the hospital the day you were born. I was there twenty-three years later when you decided to stop eating…”

 

“But I never saw you,” Harry whispers into the darkness, hearing the flutter of the angel’s wings.

 

“I know, lovely. But I was there. Always.”

 

 

 

 

…

 

 

 

 

IT'S DIFFICULT, AND in some ways it always will be.

 

Still, it gets easier.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading <3
> 
> This story is vaguely representative of my own ongoing struggle with an ED. To those of you who are going through something similar, please know you aren't alone and I will be by your side to support you. Be kind always, to others and to yourselves.
> 
> All comments are appreciated.
> 
> [Reblog the fic post](http://angelichl.tumblr.com/post/171963123319/until-we-find-the-light-by-angelichl-harry-has) and [come talk to me](http://angelichl.tumblr.com/) <3


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